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In This Article
Introduction
I grew up in a UK school system. I had to abide by countless rules and regulations in order to be deemed a good student. As part of the school rules, I had to wear a school uniform: Black trousers, white shirt, black blazer – all neatly finished with a tie.
We received little red cards that we had to carry around with us at all times in school. I often got stopped by teachers who ordered me to present my red card so I could receive a strike on it for breaking school rules. Three strikes resulted in a one hour detention after school on a Friday.
Now that I look back on things, the reasons I received strikes on my red card were completely harmless. I’d receive strikes for things like not having the top button of my shirt done up, or wearing my school tie a little too short – even talking too loudly on my way to class. I even remember when I got yelled at for not being able to draw a round-enough circle in art class, or for using blue ink instead of black.
The rules that were put in place were completely normal to us, and we did our best to abide by them. We wanted to be good students and do well in life. Our parents being proud of us. We didn’t question the rules or even think about them; they were our own societal norm. Those social norms greatly changed the way we saw the world.
Much like how things were in school, societal norms are everywhere. They make the outside world appear a certain way, which in turn influences our concepts and beliefs. Social norms are built in line with our collective dream as a population. They are taught to us by our parents, schools, religions, media, and any other position of authority. But, wherever societal norms exist, negativity, judgement and self-doubt follow not too far behind…
The Four Agreements Summary
The Four Agreements was written by Don Miguel Ruiz, a renowned spiritual teacher in Neoshamanism. The book offers a road to reaching freedom in life by exploring the wisdom of the Toltecs; an indigenous people of Mexico who preceded the Aztecs. The Toltecs believed that life is a dream and that we are always dreaming, even when we are awake. Though this book is small in length, it holds the power to completely transform your world.
The book helps shed a lot of light on freeing yourself from the chains of societal norms and collective thinking, which the author says prevents us from being truly free.
The book says that our world is made up of labels. The words of your parents, teachers, elders and other peers grew into the labels you have come to learn and agree with, which in turn form the concepts, beliefs and limitations in your life today. These often define the rules and boundaries of your reality. They tell you how things in the world ought to be, or how you should behave, as a quote unquote “normal person”. This is what the book refers to as “Domestication”.
Domestication
Domestication in this sense is not a good thing. Being domesticated to the world around us means that we cannot be our true selves without disrupting the “status quo”. We have to fit in somehow, right? If not, people might think negatively of you. You might be left alienated. You might lose the opportunity to find love. If we try to protest against the authority around us, we will be punished.
Similarly, we have always been rewarded when we have obeyed the authoritative figures in our lives. Due to this fear, we have all surrendered and decided to follow along with this collective dream, rather than pursue and live our individual dreams. However, the problem is, as we grow older, we no longer need a more powerful person there to domesticate us, but by this point the ideas we have learned are so built into us that we then domesticate ourselves.
The thousands of beliefs that you have picked up over the years tell you:
- Who you are
- What you should feel
- How to behave
- What you can and can’t do to be accepted
Labels
The problem with most of these beliefs is that if we don’t act in accordance with them we are bad people, or underachievers. We label ourselves negatively and believe those labels as if they were a law of nature themselves. When this happens, our internal monologue becomes one that creates a living hell for us, and depletes us of our energy. For me, some of my own labels and reasons for them used to be things like:
- You don’t deserve love; you can’t provide for others
- You are too young; to be good at anything you need to practise for years first
- You are selfish if you want to invest in yourself; you should invest in others
- You are not smart enough to teach others; that’s what teachers are for
Negative labels can also stem from trauma at any point in your life. After leaving an abusive relationship, you might carry the names you were called and believe you are unworthy of love or damaged. To deal with these labels, we then begin to trade our individual dreams and peace so that we can fit in with this collective dream. But, the truth is, by doing this and not living our true life, these labels will never disappear, and so we’re caught in a vicious cycle of constantly trying to stay one step ahead of the fear that is chasing us from behind.
Breaking Free from Limitations
Ruiz explains that in order to break free from these limitations, we must first become fully aware of them through meditation and mindfulness. Really take time to think of the things you practise because you were taught to, but hold you back as a result. Once we are aware and understand the things that hold us back, we can then go on to forgive. By forgiving others, and yourself, we will then receive the strength to eliminate what’s holding us back. We do so in four different ways. Here are The Four Agreements.
Summary of The Four Agreements
1. Stay True to Your Word
Plenty of people are happy to talk the talk, but few are still showing to back themselves up and walk the walk. Talkers are quick to jump in and say the right thing to try to impress, but they can’t uphold their promises, and while their intentions may be pure, overpromising can often lead to underachieving, which can then lead to more negative labelling.
Our word is the most powerful tool. But, without action to back them up, they are just words. We can create the most beautiful dream with our word, or on the flip side, we can destroy everything with our word. As such, we must be careful about how we use this power.
Our mind and the world outside us are fertile grounds and our words are the seeds we plant. If we plant bad seeds with bad words, we’re going to get a rotten harvest. Be careful what seeds you’re planting. Not just with others, but also the words you use with yourself.
Give your word to another and stay true to it. Give your promise to someone and hold onto it and keep it. If you say you are going to do something, follow through and do it.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Imagine you were walking down the street one day and someone came up to you and said “I hate your shoes, they look stupid, only a stupid person would wear those shoes!,” how would you react? Quite often things go like this: Someone says something about you. You take it personally. You defend yourself and tell the other person they’re wrong. The other person takes that personally. They then say something worse. The cycle repeats again.
As Ruiz explains, when someone voices a negative opinion, don’t take it personally, because the truth is that the person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send you poison, and if you take it personally or react in the same manner, then you take that poison and it becomes yours.
Whatever the case is, it’s important to remember that the person’s actions were not about you and/or your worth, but a reflection of the world they are living in.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Do you ever read into texts, emails, or even conversations and think you have the other person “figured out”? You believe you know their reason, intention, or motivation, but that assumption is based on your reality and your beliefs. We don’t all see things the same way.
Instead of assuming, ask questions. Be curious. Confront your fears and challenge the stories in your head. Even if what you discover is not what you’re hoping for, you can make decisions that are rooted in reality. That is what people in healthy relationships do.
“The biggest assumption that humans make is that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves.”
4. Always Do Your Best
When you get told to do your best as a child, it was actually sound advice. Doing your best depends on the situation you are in, and is not a one-size-fits-all thing. On certain days your best will be world-beating, and on others maybe it’s just a struggle to get something positive done, but you do something.
To do your best, you should do things because you want to, not because of external motivation like a paycheck or expectations. If you love the job or task you’re doing, you’ll do your best without even trying. Your work will feel effortless and you’ll perform much better.
Do your best, not in any particular field, but do what is best to you, and most true to who you are as a person. Doing your best should be a choice and not an obligation. It is taking the best action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. By doing your best this way, you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.
Closing
There’s a very powerful message relayed in this book. Most people are living in a dream, completely oblivious to their personal, national and cultural beliefs and biases. The book guides us on how to sail past the mist that limits our vision and life experiences.
It is not easy to master The Four Agreements; it is something I still find myself falling short on, but don’t give up.
Because by adopting the guides highlighted in this book, you can begin to break down limiting beliefs and gain your personal power and freedom back.
You’ll learn to understand that everything a person does is about them, and not you, And with this understanding, along with making a conscious effort to practise The Four Agreements, you will be able to start mentally releasing any unnecessary burdens or suffering, allowing yourself to begin walking a happier, lighter path.
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